How to talk to your spouse- dasugo style.

Mike, a friend of mine sent me this quick talka bout how to talk to your spouse. Stuff like listen with your face, emphatize and don't offer any suggestions, she just wants to talk e.tc e.tc. I know that stuff but it does irritate me some though. Why assail me for 20 minutes on some issues and expect no opinions from me?? Anyway, I created my response. part humor, part truth. I figure I will post it here if anyone ever sees it.

My list:
How to talk to your Husband:

1] Check the TV schedule: Attempting to discuss issues when your husband is about to watch Game 7 of NBA playoffs/wrestling/Fear factor/Queer eye for the Straight Guy (yeah right!!) is never a good idea.

2] Command his presence. Grab a hand or leg of his while talking to him. massage it gently as u speak. If his attentions starts to fade off, grip a toe or finger and bend it the wrong way slightly. His attention will return and u can return to massaging said appendage.

3] Give him soft ball questions if u really don't care what he thinks. Ask questions like " My boss is crazy to deny me some time off so u and I can have weekend long romp in an expensive hotel right?? "

4] Begin long talks with " I really need to talk to u about this issue and after wards, I expect you to make passionate love to me afterwards"

5] If you just want to vent and just want us to emphasize, unbutton ur blouse by 2 buttons. Give us something to focus on as we attempt to look interested.

6] Take us for a walk/drive. No TV, no computers, definitely No cell phones.

7] After talking to us, make an outrageous compliment about our manhood that we should never believe and insist that is it true for u. We might never believe it but our ego will. If I know that after listening to u, that u will tell me that I am sexiest man u have ever seen in your past 3 lives, I WILL listen.

8] Learn to talk during commercials.

9] Prepare a power point presentation. He just got back from work right?